Pride. In the Name of Fat.

Pride is a jagged little pill.

A couple months ago, after having been the same weight for over a year, I went and had my Lapband unfilled. I felt like I had a pretty good hold on my eating, and I was growing weary of the restriction I felt. I wanted to be able to eat without that uncomfortable sensation in my chest and I was struggling with what to eat for breakfast before a big run. I was sick of my standard oatmeal and yogurt and yearned for a bagel or Eggo with peanut butter. After 4 years without fries, and mostly without bread, I thought I had this thing in the bag. I run marathons, so surely between that and my new found healthy relationship with eating, I’d be good to go with this thing empty, right?

I wanted it completely unfilled. The nurse wanted to just take out a little. We compromised in the middle.

She was right. The amount I pressured her into taking out left me pretty much completely unrestricted. It took a couple weeks for me to figure that out, since I was still eating fairly cautiously at first, but oh did I figure it out. I can and will eat an entire 12″ sub at Subway. Even though I am getting turkey and veggies with no dressing, that’s still way more bread than I need to be eating. And french fries? I didn’t think I missed them until I had one. French Fries are my Chris Brown of eating. Even after 4 years apart, the bond is still there, and I’ve gone crawling back for more abuse.

Even though this is a WLS doctor who exclusively sees overweight patients, most of whom are even more eating disordered than I am, it still bruised the ego to get on that scale. I managed to eat back almost 20 pounds. I obviously can not be trusted around starch.

So, I swallowed my pride and drove down to Columbus for an appointment. I’m up 19 pounds in 6 months. I figured they’d only allow me a tiny fill, and then I’d have to come back a couple more times to get it to where it is working better for me. Lucky for me, they were a bit more sensitive to my plight. Not the fatness plight. The one where I am a self-pay patient, and the other one where I live 2.5 hours away from the place.

During my June appointment, they removed 2.8cc of saline, leaving me with 3cc in the band (“basically nothing” in there, she called it). Today they put 1.5cc back in (it holds 10cc). So, I’m about where I probably should have been in June, except for me being super stubborn. I’m on liquids until tomorrow, then we shall see what happens. I’m looking for somewhere between “I ate one fry and now I need to vomit” and “slap a cow between these 2 loaves of bread, will ya?”.

If nothing else, I have a renewed hope.

Funny side note, they are always pretty excited about my progress down there. Lapbands do not traditionally have the same successes as the more radical weight loss surgeries. In fact, the average weight loss after 3 years is 47% of your excess weight. So, 47lbs if you needed to lose 100. I’m almost 4 years out, and even with my added 19 pounds, I’m still down 70% of my excess. Not too shabby. But, I want to be back at 90%!

*Bonus points if you picked up on all the song/music references in this post. I need a life.

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